Dear diary

#1

For six years, I held on to one dream to graduate.

And then, one random day, it happened.

I wrote my last exam.

At first, it didn’t even feel real. I remember smiling all through, laughing at nothing, feeling like I was high on something invisible. I couldn’t stop thinking “wow, it’s really over”

But nobody tells you what comes after the joy.

Nobody warns you that finishing can also feel like losing something.

It’s not sadness exactly. It’s more like standing still after running for so long and suddenly realizing you don’t know what to do with your hands.

Earlier this year, my friends and I used to talk about graduating.

Some said they weren’t ready for “life after school.”

And I, being my optimistic self, told them it was all about mindset.

Now I laugh at that version of me.

Because this? This isn’t something a mindset quote can fix.

Since graduation, I’ve been living what I can only describe as a quiet fog.

I hate to use the word “depression,” but I haven’t felt like myself.

I can’t get out of bed. I can’t focus.

Work? Nonexistent.

The clients I ghosted during exams are gone, and so is the money.

It’s strange how quickly the structure of your life disappears.

For years, school told me where to be, what to do, what to worry about.

Now I wake up to… nothing.

And the nothingness is loud.

I spend days scrolling, eating little, sometimes not at all.

I deactivate my social media and lie there, staring at the ceiling.

The silence used to comfort me, now it just feels like an escape.

I’ve even started sleeping on the floor because somehow, it feels more grounding than my bed.

I called my mum the other day and just cried.

She said I needed a change of environment, that I’d feel better when I left this space.

She’s probably right. But part of me wants to feel better here, without needing to run.

Maybe that’s something I’m still unlearning, the need to fix everything on my own terms.

Last night, my friend dragged me out of the house, and I’m so glad he did.

God knows if I had stayed in, today would’ve been heavy.

It reminded me that even when I isolate, people still find me.

This isn’t one of those “get up and keep going” letters.

It’s just me, writing from the in-between, the part where life doesn’t quite make sense yet.

If you’re here too, I hope you know it’s okay.

But please, don’t stay in the fog too long. It swallows you if you let it.

Right now, I’m learning to pick up my pieces, slowly.

To stop rushing and to trust that I’ll figure it out, even if I can’t see how yet.

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Should I turn this into a rant series? Because this was lowkey me ranting. Anyways if you want to share yours as well, please feel free 🫶🏽