People pleaser 101

How do I break free?

Growing up with strict parents shaped me into a textbook people pleaser. As the first daughter, the expectation to do everything “right” and “perfect” was unspoken yet undeniable. It wasn’t just about pleasing them, it was about molding myself into someone who wouldn’t disappoint them or draw criticism from anyone around me.

In school, I pushed myself relentlessly to get good grades. I equated academic excellence with parental approval, and when I fell short, I’d cry myself to sleep. The same need to please extended to household chores: if I was asked to cook, the food had to be perfect. I wasn’t doing it for me, i was doing it to ensure their satisfaction.

But this people-pleaser mentality didn’t stay confined to my home. It bled into my relationships with friends, acquaintances, and elders. I found myself putting their needs above mine, even when it didn’t sit right with me.

Eventually, I learned to set boundaries, at least with my peers and friends. But being a people pleaser with elders? That’s an entirely different challenge. It’s like wanting their approval, even when you don’t care about them deeply. It’s ingrained in us, isn’t it? The unwritten rule that respecting elders means sacrificing your comfort for theirs.

Let me give you a recent example. Sometime ago, I visited an aunt. As the eldest daughter, I felt obligated to act “right,” to represent my family well. I washed plates, helped around the house, did everything to stay in her good books, not because I wanted to, but because I felt I had to.

Things took a turn when she began taking advantage of my helpfulness, treating me more like a house help than a guest. I became frustrated, but I couldn’t stop because the guilt of “embarrassing” my family loomed over me. Even when I reached my limit and stopped, my conscience wouldn’t let me rest. “This isn’t how you were raised,” it whispered.

The same dynamic plays out in other situations. Imagine being on a bus, and a mother with kids places one of her children on your lap. Out of respect, or maybe habit, you oblige, even though you’re uncomfortable. It’s easy to mistake this behavior for respect, but is it really? Or is it the deep-seated urge to please?

This mindset is hard to shake in a society where respecting elders is non-negotiable. If you walk past an older person without greeting them, it’s a cardinal sin. Yet, I’m learning that respect should go both ways. Elders should respect our boundaries just as we’re taught to honor theirs.

So, how do we break free from this people-pleasing trap while navigating a culture that equates it with respect? How do we balance doing what’s right with doing what feels right to us? I don’t have all the answers, but I believe the solution lies somewhere between self-awareness and setting firm boundaries.

We need to unlearn the notion that saying “no” to elders is disrespectful. It’s okay to prioritize our well-being and expect mutual respect in return. At the end of the day, we owe it to ourselves to be honest about our limits while remaining respectful, not because it’s demanded, but because it aligns with our values.